The reality of nightmares.

I woke up to Jared starring blankly at the ceiling. The look on his face seemed to say "How long before this woman wakes up and gets me out of bed?". On the average day I have to drag Jared out of the bed and force him into life, not today.

When I approached Jared's side of the bed I saw a man I used to know. He was bight eyed and fully awake, ready to jump into life. Jared doesn't usually talk in the mornings and especially not laying down, this morning he was rather chatty.

I dressed him, helped him out of bed, and asked him what he wanted for breakfast. He gave me the usual shoulder shrug and mumbled "ice cream". I smiled at his response as I rolled him down the hall to start breakfast.

Tyson woke up as we passed the door to his room and we all went to the kitchen to make something to eat. Catlin had slept over at my parent's house the night before so it was just the three of us.

Tyson being his usual self was desperately trying to get the eggs off the counter, casually I told him I was going to make him eggs and to sit at the table. Jared chimed in and said he wanted eggs too.

For a while things continued to be eerily "normal".

Tyson cried when I took a roll of wrapping paper from him that had been left on the counter. Jared started so sweetly call Tyson's name like he wanted to comfort him. Jared said "Tyson...come over here boy..." so I picked Tyson up, still crying and sat him in front of Jared on the table.

It always hurts me to see Jared's efforts go unnoticed. I guess because he doesn't usually talk Tyson is oblivious to it when he does.

As I stepped away from the table Tyson cried a little louder and Jared snapped.

Jared started screaming for Tyson to shut up and then grabbed is face and pushed him over backwards. A cup of water flew off the table, spilling everywhere as I tried to wrestle my son away from my husband. I finally pulled his hand off of Tyson's face only to have him snatch up Tyson's arm, screaming "Shut up" and "Quit crying!" the entire time.

I was in tears holding Tyson when I started in on Jared. I spent a few minutes trying not to scream at him as I explained that it was not okay to treat other people that way. I told him that he couldn't do these things to the children or he would have to leave and live in a nursing home.

I read somewhere that people with brain injuries don't have emotional responses like they should. The article said that we (caretakers) should model appropriate responses at the correct times to help the brain injured person "remember" which ones to have when.

My correct emotional response was apparently hysterical terror.

I thought a lot about how I should deal with Jared's violent outburst these last few weeks. Knowing Jared can make new memories if the memory is significant I decided to allow my raw emotion show. I thought maybe if he saw how upset I became he would remember.

I don't know what else to do.

Jared stared at me with a confused look as I had my break down. When I realized he had no idea what was going on and that he didn't remember what he had done just moments before I gave it up and finished cooking breakfast.

When Tyson finished eating I took him outside to play for a few minutes so I could call Jared's mom and tell her what had happened. I left Jared sitting at the table to finish eating.I didn't expect his mother to help me in anyway, I just needed someone to know what was going on.

After the call I went inside only to find that the dog had snuck onto the table and licked Jared's plate clean. If anyone deserved an outburst it was the dog. Jared apparently sat there and watched her eat it.

I've been trying to figure out what Jared's triggers are. I know that pain is the biggest trigger for his violent episodes. I think he may also be sensitive to noise. He has been upset with me several times for talking to loud to close to his ear. Today I asked him if loud noises hurt his ears and he said "yes". Trough a series of questions I found out that loud noise only hurts his left hear. Maybe Tyson crying on the other side of the room didn't hurt his ear? Maybe when Ty got closer and the crying was louder it started to hurt?

I'm clueless. I plan to call the doctor tomorrow.

I've had nightmares about days like today. I know that I can't keep Jared here if he hurts the kids. This is the only thing I can't fix, control, or adapt to. The risk is too high.

I never let myself believe he could hurt a child. I thought children would be different knowing how much he loved them, he always has. I wanted to believe Jared would only lash out at me because I'm the one that made him do all the things he didn't want to, I guess I was wrong.


  1. {{{hugs}}}
    i'm sorry, but that's all i have to say.

  2. I'm so sorry. I hope you have a hundred (or more) good days with Jared to make up for this one.