I know now that home isn't a place, it's a feeling. Home is the sigh of relief when you walk through the door. It's having your family with you and not worrying about where or how they are. Home is the ability to be lost in mindless tasks as you sift though all the thoughts in your head.
I wasn't truly home until Jared was here, for good. It feels wonderful. I no longer have second hand news from a tired nurse, I know exactly how Jared's day was. I know what and how much he ate and weather or not he liked it. I was there when he called for me and I'm there when he needs me. He was able to hear the children laughing and playing as he drifted into an afternoon nap.
Finally a chance to live OUR life TOGETHER.
Our live is a series of graceful falls. Nothing ever goes as planned but somehow everything falls into place as if it were meant to be.
I figured out I can't do it all. Everyday I'm forced to choose between Jared, our children, or cleaning the house.
I told Dr. Mac before we left that Jared's true recovery will happen at home. That statement held true, Jared has improved so much.
Jared talks to me everyday. He yells my name from across the house just to ask me what I'm doing. He says "Hey baby" when I walk through the door. He has an opinion on what he eats and drinks. He tells me when he feels bad or if he's hurting. Sometimes we talk for hours about what's going on in our lives. He can tell me almost anything.
Jared doesn't talk much to anyone else. I think the reason is because I know how to talk to him and he knows that I can understand him. He struggles with his speech. Most of the time he speaks in a soft voice and his words run together. He has a problem describing things or thinking of the right words. With a lot of practice I've learned how to draw the words out of him.
Sometimes I feel like the crazy lady when I tell other people about the things he says. Our family and friends come by for visits. It's a bit awkward for them to talk to Jared I guess.
Usually he doesn't say or do much of anything when other people are around. They don't know him like I do and it hurts me so much. It hurts me when people talk or treat him differently then they would have before the accident. I guess that is part of it though.
In the last few weeks Jared has been aggressive at times. Usually something physical happens to provoke these episodes. Today when I got him out of bed (he wasn't ready to get up) he swore and punched me in the stomach. Later on at the pool I upset him when I grabbed his chin to hold his face out of the water and he tried to bite me. I couldn't let him go to get away from him so we struggled for a bit. When I asked him what was wrong he said "I want to bite you!". I tried to get him to tell me what was going on and all he could tell me was that he was mad. We sat for a while on the bench in the pool and talked until he calmed down.
So far the anger and aggression have been the hardest to deal with. It's like someone flips a switch and he goes nuts for a moment or two. It's hard to tell what is going to set him off because sometimes somethings are okay and other times they are not. I'm trying to be more careful and communicate with him more. Things go smoother when I tell him what to expect.
For the most part Jared is sweet and loving. I think the change in is temperament has something to do with the reality of his situation setting in. He's more self aware these days. I few days ago I broke his heart, and mine, when I told him the left side of his body was paralyzed. He has significant short term memory loss so I have to tell him what's wrong with him often. He's kind of like Drew Barrymore in "50 first dates".
The day before yesterday I was finally able to get Jared to walk for the first time since being home. He walked about 10 feet all together. His left knee isn't strong enough for him to stand on, it collapses every time he puts weight on it. I was able to get him to walk holding on to the rail on the deck and blocking his left knee with mine forcing it to stay straight. I've asked his PM&R doctor to order a KAFO brace for him. That's a fight I have yet to win. The doctor flat out told me no. I've debated with her on the matter and she agreed to look in to it.
I've been waiting for over 2 months now for an answer.
I'm at a point that I feel like I'm rambling. I'll continue to write but I can't imagine it will be very exciting. From here I suppose I'll write about the daily aspects of our lives and my fight to recover Jared.
Thank you for reading our story, I hope to give it a happy ending.